When did panty-lines become such a huge fashion faux pas? I have some vague memory of a commercial in the late 70s about getting rid of embarrassing panty-lines, but I have no idea what the commercial was advertising. I’m not saying that we should all just wear baggy, bunching panties or even too-tight panties under sleek pants. And really, why would you wear too-tight panties? That sounds awful!

Why am I returning to the odd topic of underwear? I’ve covered it before, but it’s been a while. Well, I have recently decided that I can wear stretchy pants if the rest of the American population can wear them. Oh, and thermal lined stretchy pants are divine! But stretchy pants allow panty-lines if I wear my regular, comfortable elastic leg underwear. Apparently, admitting that you have panties on, by allowing panty-lines, is very, very bad. So, I tried the unthinkable… the unimaginable. I went on Amazon and bought a five pack of thongs. I used Amazon because I couldn’t admit that I was buying them by going into a store and actually purchasing a pair. 

It’s difficult to figure out who invented thongs, but I will venture a guess. It is a malevolent spirit representing the devil in human form. Thongs are as awful as I imagined them to be, prior to actually trying them and rubbing my bum raw. Who thought that anyone should have a small stretch of tortuous fabric running up her bum crack? Now maybe it’s because I am old, or have given birth, or carry too much weight, but my daily motion of running around, with my cheeks sliding past each other can only create one thing: FRICTION! The irritation caused by that small stretch of fabric cannot be underplayed. And I tried it more than once, which seems really dumb in hindsight. The second time, I thought it would be a good idea to go to Sam’s Club in comfy stretch pants and a tortuous thong (but no panty-lines). By the time I was the farthest distance from the bathroom, I was walking funny to avoid that friction. I ended up abandoning my cart and walking cowboy-style all the way across the store to the bathroom, where I had to use a stall to remove my shoes, comfy stretchy pants (which pulled off my socks) to take off that awful sling of fabric that was serving as my underwear. I rolled it up, wrapped it like a maxi pad, and deposited it in the feminine waste bin. I left the bathroom in glorious victory, but still quite raw. 

I don’t know how you divas of modern fashion manage it. I will never wear a thong again. Those four remaining thongs will remain in the corner of my underwear drawer, not taking up much room at all. Somehow, I have a difficult time just tossing them out, since they are brand new. I found underwear that is not supposed to leave a line (but it kinda does), but it also doesn’t have elastic on the thighs. They work fine under stretchy pants, but not anything looser. The stretchy pants hold the fabric over my ample bum in place. If I wear looser pants, the lack of elastic on the legs allows the bum fabric to crawl up my crack and wedge in there real good. And since it covers my bum, that’s a significant amount of fabric all jammed in there, which can’t look good and most certainly doesn’t feel good. So, I’ll keep those for stretchy pants, but the rest of the time, when I want to avoid panty-lines, I’m going commando. It will remind me of a certain cruise where I had to abandon the underwear for a whole week. 

You win this round, you fashion divas. May you never know the pain of hemorrhoids, and may your bums remain panty-line free! Have a good week everyone!