There are things that we should be told about entering our fifties. Actually, we may have been told, but we were too busy living the carefree days of our forties to pay attention. In our forties, we are still trying to recapture our youth, so we don’t want to be bothered with things we can’t avoid anyway. But now I see that we should have been paying attention! Hey! All you in your forties, pay attention! You can’t recapture your youth, but if you’re lucky, you will soon be in your fifties. 

Sometimes, I wake up and the top of my foot hurts. So, I make sure I wear supportive shoes (actually, I almost always wear supportive shoes) and just walk funny for the day, because chances are that the pain will just go away in the next few days. I don’t know where it came from, I don’t know where it went. So, now I understand why people over fifty hold off going to a doctor for something. It may just go away, so let’s see before we waste all that time, because we now see the true value of time. 

So, at 51, I finally had the dreaded colonoscopy! First, DO NOT DO THE BIG JUG!!!! There is a reason that they have two other options now. It’s because the big jug is disgusting and overwhelming. It has so much disgusting, salty volume that just drinking it causes nausea. Don’t do it! Get the small bottles or the pills. At least with those you get to drink a large volume of water or Gatorade and not salty nastiness that leaves you gagging after each sip (at the end at least). After drinking that and having water shooting out your backside for a day, the actual colonoscopy was nothing. My problem was that I had an esophagogastroduodenoscopy at the same time. Yup, that’s a word. It means that the doc scopes your throat, and in my case, takes five biopsies and does a throat dilation because things look questionable. I have had swallowing issues for most of my life. I’ve had two other throat dilations (and not at Travis’ request, although he jokes that every time). I’ve never had esophageal and stomach biopsies before. I thought I was getting a two-for, since I HATE going under anesthesia. When I woke up, I felt like I had swallowed a handful of tacks. And I was still under the influence of anesthesia. 

When I got home, I was supposed to eat soft stuff. Let me tell you, I could barely take in water. And the heartburn felt like I was having a heart attack. And nothing I was allowed to take could touch that. Then, I started throwing up, which was really great since I had nothing in my stomach but a bunch of recent biopsy sites and acid. It was like the tacks I thought I swallowed were coming back up. So, Monday was a really bad day. Giving birth was easier! Monday night I barely slept. I tried propping myself up with a ton of pillows and staying in bed, but at about 1am, I figured that Travis deserved to sleep, so I moved to the recliner. We were supposed to get rid of that recliner after our new couch was delivered (which was over a year ago, or maybe two years ago), and I decided Monday night that however long I have to keep that recliner blocking the entrance into the living room is completely worth it for just that one night!

So, what’s the takeaway from this story? Most of you won’t need a throat gastroscope with multiple biopsies and a dilation. The moral of the story is that there is no such thing as a two-for. Just suffer through your colonoscopy prep and just get the colonoscopy by itself. That way, you don’t go into another procedure dehydrated and weak. 

That’s all I got. I’m still barely eating, but won’t lose any weight because I don’t feel up to exercising, or even moving much. Don’t swallow any tacks; If the pain doesn’t go away, have a doc check it out; There is no such thing as a two-for. And there are no pictures this week. Just the mental image of me, wrapped up in blankets, propped against the wall, on the tile floor by my toilet, hoping I don’t throw up again. Have a great week everyone! My week has to be better than last week!