It happened again. Our grinder/ejection pump alarm went off. This time it was 11:30pm and Travis and I were in bed. Travis was up and out of the bed before my sleepy head could process what was going on. It used to be the other way around. I would be up and out before Travis could process that a kid was coughing in a way that suggested that he was going to throw up. I guess that when we paid $3700 for a new pump, my mind decided that I wouldn’t hear that alarm for a decade and turned off the part of my brain that registered that sound. 

Travis had turned off the alarm by the time my confusion cleared and turned to fear. He came back into our bedroom and we began discussing strategies. Then, I said, “some water has to be running to bring the water level up so the alarm goes off.” Travis went up and I went down to find who was running water and have it shut off, as well as to let the kids know NOT to run anymore water. Poor Taryn was in the shower, so she finished up real quick. We went back to bed, but twice, we jumped up at a rattling sound. The second time we went outside to discover that it was likely our LOUD attic fan. I’m not sure if we expected our grinder pump to explode, covering the neighborhood in our excrement, but for some reason, we couldn’t sleep if that sound continued and we didn’t know what it was. We tossed and turned for another half hour before I declared, “we have to put mixing bowls in the sinks and painters tape on the toilet handles. Travis didn’t want to do it, but knew better than to fight with me in the middle of the night, so he went to get the tape. We got up two more times after that. One was to make sure the water softener wasn’t going to turn on, dumping gallons of water into the system, and therefore into our house. The second was to tape off the reverse osmosis system because that wastes two to three gallons for each gallon of clean water produced. That day, we would drink softened, unfiltered water. I think we fell asleep around 3am, in that restless, we have a sick baby type of sleep. It never occurred to me to pay for the Sunday, overnight plumbing visit. We can handle this. 

The next morning was the Haldeman circus. Travis and I did not work out, because calling our friends at 6:30 am to use their shower didn’t seem appropriate. The ol college Mitchum shower would have to do. Mitchum is an old deodorant brand that used to advertise that you could skip multiple days of showers if you just used Mitchum. Of course, I had the hair problem. I wake up with my short hair looking like Heat Miser from the old Christmas movie, The Year Without a Santa Claus. So, there I was in the front yard in my PJs (which consist of inappropriately short shorts and a flimsy tank top) dumping a mixing bowl of cold water over my head. It would have taken multiple mixing bowls to get the water hot and I didn’t feel like walking outside multiple times to dump the water, so cold water it was. Hey, at least I had my shirt ON!! Baby steps!

At some point in the morning, it became clear that Travis needed to go number two. He thought he should get to flush. I had already talked to the plumbing company, and the nice man there told me that we had five magic flushes. You know we’re at a weird place when we are referring to toilet flushes as magic. The dilemma was that Taryn was in the shower when the alarm went off, and it took us a while to discover that, so we had no idea how many “magic flushes” were left. I handed Travis a bunch of grocery store bags and told him that unless he had time to clean his overflow excrement off the basement floor, it was just easier to go in a bag. He replied, “You’ve gotta be f**king kidding me!!!” I calmly responded, “It doesn’t matter your station in life, sometimes you’ve gotta sh*t in a bag.” To his credit, he grabbed the bags and did just that. Tessa did that too. She was smart enough to toss her bag out the window and retrieve it so she didn’t have to carry her drippy bag (from the clean toilet water) through the house to throw away. 

So, that was our Monday morning this week. Thank you to the multiple friends that offered for my family to use their shower… and toilet. The plumbing company pulled a wad of stuff the size of one of our cats out of the intake on the grinder pump. I’d put the picture out there, but it’s pretty gross. Have a great week everyone! Flushable wipes aren’t really flushable and tie wraps don’t belong in the sewer line. Of course, we knew both these things, but we still had a problem.