I never thought that I would be familiar with wearing a mask. I don’t work in the medical profession, so I figured that I would be exempt from the joys and frustrations of mask wearing… except while skiing. I have compiled a few new terms that come with the Age of the Mask!

Sucking Mask – The sucking of the mask into your mouth in an attempt to get air. This is what happens when you do any sort of physical exertion while wearing a mask. For me, that includes walking. Or even standing if I’m in the warm, moist environment of an indoor pool while coaching. 

Mask Panic – This panic is the direct result of the perceived lack of oxygen while involved in sucking mask. It is usually quickly resolved by holding the mask off your face… but that defeats the purpose of the mask in the first place. 

Mask Cage – The plastic piece that you can wear under your mask to prevent sucking mask. Sometimes it makes the ear bands too short, so it creates an elf-like look. Sometimes, that’s just the best option available. 

Mask Sneeze – Does this need an explanation? Yuk… just yuk!

Moist Mask – The excessive moisture held in any mask. It is especially true after the mask sneeze or sucking mask. It can also happen for no apparent reason while using the mask in normal circumstances and according to the directions on the label.

Mask Phobia – The fear of being near or walking by anyone without a mask. You’d think it would be the fear of a mask, but that is incorrect. Many people solve this by holding their breath while passing the unmasked person. Come on, you’ve done it!

Mask Walk of Shame – Walking back to your car from your destination because you forgot your mask. 

Mask Anger – Realizing that you don’t have a mask in your car after you arrive somewhere, so you have to drive back home to get a mask or improvise. 

Mask Delusion – The rationalization that it is socially acceptable to be seen in public with a couple mittens tied together and held over your face with a hat in an attempt to improvise a mask. It’s not socially acceptable, but we understand.

Mask Rationalization – The rationalization that the single-use medical mask you found under the seat in your car next to dirty socks (why are there dirty socks in my car?) is okay to wear into the store. 

Gross Mask – Any mask repeatedly worn by a person without washing it. Also, any mask found under the seat in your car next to dirty socks (again, why are these socks in my car). This also includes almost any mask worn by a teenager (because you know they haven’t washed it, unless their parents have grabbed it and washed it out of sympathy for those around them.)

Mask Fog – Wearing a mask while also wearing glasses. We are learning that this gets infinitely worse as it gets colder outside and we are forced from a cold to a warm environment. 

Mask Bruise – Bruising caused by wearing a mask for many hours a day. It is especially brutal in the medical professions. This is also bruising caused when someone walks into a wall while experiencing mask fog… or falls while walking into an unseen chair while experiencing mask fog. 

Mask-ny – The acne caused by mask, including on middle aged people who haven’t had acne in over a decade. But it is worst in the acne aged kids. 

There are many more mask definitions, but I have run out of time and space. Stay safe everyone! Happy Humpday!