The other day, I decided that I needed to refresh my work wardrobe. I am not sure where I thought I was putting any of these newfound treasures in my jam packed closet, but apparently a refresh was in order. My standard work wardrobe consisted of a black unitard (stretchy pants and stretchy tank) covered by a bulky sweater and boots. Given the arctic chill in my classroom, this outfit works for all seasons. But it’s difficult to leave work on a warm day dressed this way, and there is NO way I am stripping to the black unitard in the school parking lot on my way out the door.  More layers were needed. 

While at Kohl’s, I found a number of different tops that could work for the beginning of the school year. I am not sure who their pants were cut for, but it wasn’t me, so the pants would need to be addressed another time (hello Amazon, my old friend). One might say I’m curvy in the lower half. Back in the early nineties, we’d say, “Baby Got Back!” 

Speaking of the early nineties, I was filled with some freak nostalgia when I noticed a rack of tops with snaps in the crotch. I used to wear a top like that way back when. We used to call them catsuits. Blinded by my nostalgia, I completely forgot those panicked bathroom visits where the crotch snaps and I were racing to see who would win. I would wear these under jeans or overalls, so even if I won the snap race, some part of my outfit could potentially end up in the toilet. Obviously, this was a completely normal outfit selection for a middle-aged high school fake math teacher. 

Once safely tucked in the dressing room, I tried on my newfound turtleneck catsuit. Perhaps I should have been warned by the difficulty snapping the crotch snaps, but I was riding the early nineties nostalgia and determined to get this thing on, even if I had to use every muscle in my body to do so. Once this torture device was snapped shut, I let go of the crotch snaps and the whole bottom half of the catsuit immediately went up my back-side. My butt actually ate any fabric that may have existed, so it didn’t even look like a catsuit. Since I wear normal underwear, my underwear was partially up there, while also weirdly hanging out, still trying valiantly to do its job of covering my ample backside. And far from the smoothing effects of the catsuits of my youth, this one made me look extra lumpy and wide (like I needed help there). And the catsuits of my youth had normal coverage on the backside. We didn’t even know thongs were a thing. And why was the torso of this thing so short? Is the camel-toe thong a thing? I grabbed a size up from my normal size, and I still couldn’t figure out how I was going to extract this thing from my crotch. 

And remember, I had to muscle those snaps shut. So, now I found myself trying to pry the snaps apart, while also extracting the crotch from my tender parts, which drove the whole backside further up the ravine. It would have been funny if it wasn’t so uncomfortable. Panic was starting to set in. It’s not like I could request assistance from some young store clerk. Can you even imagine? And why had I thought this would look good, even if I didn’t notice its thong-like shape? I was envisioning it with some dress pants and a jacket, but clearly NO! At some point, I laid on the square stool in the dressing room, with my head braced in the corner, to try to curl myself into a smaller version of me, so I could get some traction on the snaps that were invading my privacy. I couldn’t lay on the floor because there was no bottom on the walls of the dressing rooms, so I just couldn’t risk that kind of social media presence. Since it was a turtleneck contraption of torture, there was no other way to extract myself. If the snaps held, I would have to cut myself out, and purchase the damaged merchandise. I was considering that as a real option. At some point, the snaps mercifully gave way. My sigh of relief was audible. God only knows what other sounds I was making during that kind of exertion. 

So, no catsuit thongs over fifty for me. Most of you didn’t need that life lesson. In fact, I’m surprised I needed it. But there I was! Have a great week everyone! Dress appropriately!