A couple weeks ago, I was coming in from my car after work and coaching with my usual accoutrement of items: water mug, coffee mug, purse, two days worth of mail (yes, I stopped the car at the bottom of our ridiculous driveway to grab the mai), lunch box, my dress boots from work (I change into gym shoes to coach), and a couple empty water bottles from my car. Juggling my vast array of items, I had a difficult time making my way through our messy garage and into the house. After struggling to open the door to the house, I just couldn’t turn on the light. I decided to make my way through my laundry room in the dark. 

At this point, I wish I had a camera because I am not really sure how things happened exactly, but I ended up falling over a basket full of clean laundry sitting next to the dryer and landing hard on my left shoulder, my armload of stuff spread out around me. I was in a tight space where three doors and an offset hallway meet. I have no idea how I didn’t hit my head. As I lay there stunned and in pain, I heard a low moan…oh wait, that was from me. I also heard my dogs, who were gated in the basement, barking maniacally. I am not sure how long I was laying there, but eventually the cats came over to see what had happened to disrupt their lazy evening.

After a bit more time, the cats began to groom me. One was grooming my head and the other my hand. At first I thought it was cute. My warm, fuzzy little friends were so concerned about me. Then, I remembered that they are cats. Their concern was limited to how it affects them personally. I finally figured it out. See, I am one of the providers of food. They were actually taste-testing me in case I died right there and nobody else came home to ever feed them. I’m sure they were calculating how long my significant self would provide sustenance for them. That’s the exact amount of time they would have to find another source of food. It may seem gruesome, but I know my cats. The grooming was not a loving gesture, it was an appetizer. 

Eventually, much to the cats’ chagrin, I got up and slowly moved through the house. My shoulder and knee were sore (not exactly sure what happened to the knee), but I was otherwise okay. The cats moved on to their next sleeping location. Remember though, you heard it here. The dogs will sit and protect you…the cats will eat you. Oh, who am I kidding, the dogs would probably eat me too, just not as enthusiastically. Have a great humpday everyone!