Travis is not a cat-person. We own two cats. The other day, he was standing in our master bathroom, surveying the pricey cat feeding devices littered about and exclaimed, “I am just not sure how we got here! Was I asleep at the wheel?” I replied, “Oh, Honey, it’s so cute that you think you’re driving!”

Our first cat was a bribe. Tayden always wanted a cat. He didn’t want to move to Indiana. We got him a cat the same day we moved in. It was through a friend of a cousin of Travis’ sister’s coworker. Seriously. It was. Or something close. Then again, it’s easy to find a cat if you want one. Not that Travis wanted one. But sneaky Tayden and his eighty-year-old mind in his then twelve-year-old body knew just how to manipulate the mom machine when my defenses were down. And besides, Travis was starting a new job (sort of because he had to commute back for two months so we could get in before the school year), we were sending Trent to college for the first time (he had to ask where home was because he had never even seen the house before he left – something else to be discussed in counselling later), we were moving to a new state, and we were living in a hotel because we couldn’t get in the new house before school started. It was a grand time to sneak things through the cracks. Who even noticed a cat amongst the boxes? Toss some retired dog dishes down for food, buy a cheap litter box with even cheaper litter, and whola! Apollo is part of the family. Since the now deceased previous owner gave us an entire bag of unopened food, with instructions that that was the only food Apollo could eat, we didn’t pay any attention to buying food. One of our many mistakes.

We soon learned that Apollo was young and feisty…and he thought that Tessa was his cat buddy. So, Tessa had huge scratches on her legs because Apollo would stalk her from bedroom doorways and attack her as she walked down the hall. Great! So, we changed Apollo to an outdoor cat. This seemed to solve our problem initially. But, Apollo was enjoying the Meow Mix that Crazy Cat Lady feeds all the feral cats in the neighborhood. I know, because she called me from his tag to let me know how nice Apollo was. And Apollo was leaving a trail of blood in the litter box from that Meow Mix. And the feral cats were loving beating up this fluffy indoor weakling cat. He came home covered in some animal excrement and all scratched up from the feral cats. Giving a clawed cat a bath is a special treat I won’t soon forget. The feral cats would prowl around the yard, outside the invisible fence for the dogs. It was a bad situation, but as soon as we kept him in, Tessa became the scratch target again.

So I had the great idea that Apollo needed a buddy. Another cat. This genius idea coincided with a volunteer trip to the animal shelter with Tayden’s language arts class. That’s where the second cat came from. And with that, the price of the cats goes up. Tayden and I aren’t allowed to volunteer at the shelter anymore. And Bruce is a reminder why we must stay away. But Bruce bamboozled us. At the shelter, he was cute, cuddly and friendly. Once we got him home, his inner-barn cat became his outer barn cat. And the two cats hated each other. So, Bruce was locked in the girls’ bedrooms, with the Jack-and-Jill bathroom, while Apollo had the rest of the house. We even let Apollo outside a couple times to allow Bruce to roam the house, always stuffing Bruce back into his suite before allowing Apollo back in. I tried all the things that were on the internet. Feed them soft food on either side of a cracked door so they associate the other cat with good things. The food bowls were dumped as they tried to attack each other through the door. It got to the point where the cats would just hiss and claw at that door even if the other cat wasn’t by it. This went on for weeks.

Finally, we were going out of town for a few days. Travis flung open the war-door and announced that the hunger games were on. The surviving cat got to stay. This went against everything on the internet, which we know holds all the truths to a happy, healthy life. But we caved on this, since Travis clearly had nothing to say up to this point. Nobody will ever know what happened in our house during that dark period, but when we returned home, both cats were sitting on opposite ends of the living room. That seemed like progress. Around this time, I decided to upgrade the litter system to one that tracks way less litter, in an effort to…well…track way less litter around. And the price of the cats goes up.

Oh, and Bruce is a BIG eater. And that special food is Fromm, which is purchased for a mere $55 for a 15 pound bag. There should be gold nuggets in that cat food! Apollo is a light eater, so the food stretched a long time, but Bruce can plow through it. And the price of the cats goes up. So I decide that Bruce should be on an automatic feeder, which Travis is in favor of, in an effort to contain his eating. So, we buy one. After two days, Bruce is using the feeder – which is in our bathroom – as a punching bag. Banging it against the wall and pushing it across the floor. Sometimes, it even releases food when he does this, so the behavior is rewarded. It’s really hard to sleep with a cat slamming a large feeding system around a tile floor. I am not sure how Travis contained his anger at this point in the experiment. At the same time, we bought a feeder that opens from a transponder that Apollo wears on his collar. This way, Apollo can eat as much as he wants and Bruce is limited, thus keeping down the cost of the expensive food. Except Apollo doesn’t mind when Bruce joins him at the food bowl. So I have to build a wall so that only Apollo can get to his bowl. Even I think things are a little insane at this point. And Bruce gets so aggressive with the stupid feeder, we convinced friends that there is an angry ghost that is tossing things around upstairs (our bathroom is right over our kitchen).

So, I come up with the genius idea to buy another feeder like Apollo’s for Bruce. Then, we can fill that bowl with cheap Meow Mix, and we don’t have to worry about how fat Bruce gets. He’s much nicer when he is fed anyway. And it almost worked. Of course, I had to build another wall, because Apollo wanted to relive his glory days of Meow Mix, after all, it’s the Captain Crunch of cat food. What cat wouldn’t love that? So, I had to keep Apollo out of Bruce’s bowl. But after three glorious days, Bruce’s transponder stopped working. I wanted to cry. I think he kept putting it in the water bowl because he is so short, so it just shorted out. I know I should return the system, but for now, it is left in the open position, and I just toss some Captain Crunch (aka Meow Mix) into the bowl in the morning and at night. Bruce eats the whole thing, so there is no chance of Apollo getting any. So, we have the automatic feeder sitting there empty, but still trying to drop food twice a day. At least Bruce leaves it alone now. We have Apollo’s feeder working like a champ. And we have a really expensive feeder acting as a regular bowl for Bruce. Three feeders, two cats. You do the math. And the price of the cats goes up.

And that’s how we got where we are today. But the cats are thriving and promise to live a long life under our care. Travis can take comfort in that.