I had the distinct pleasure of going to the Xfinity store in Merrillville recently. I was on my way somewhere else, because as it turns out, the Xfinity store isn’t actually a destination in and of itself. At least not for me. Maybe there are Xfinity groupies out there, but I thought I should just fit it into something else I was doing that happened to be in that direction.

I walked into the store and was immediately excited because there was only one person in front of me in the line right by the front door. SCORE! I was even ready to do my big SCORE! moves, but I stopped myself. The guy in front of me was done in a minute and I had to restrain myself from breaking out the moves again. I moved to the counter and dropped the mess of boxes and cords that I was struggling to contain (right, that’s why I couldn’t break out the big moves). Xfinity-man looked annoyed. He is no superhero. It was then that I realized that the gentleman in front of me had everything organized and coiled and in an actual bag. It didn’t look like he had vomited a hot mess of cable junk on the counter. I told Xfinity-man that I was missing a couple cords. He looked at me and asked, “How can you tell?” I momentarily debated the consequences of throat punching Xfinity-man, and decided against it.

Xfinity-man then shoveled all that stuff into a bin, took my first name, and told me to take a seat in the store. I mentioned that I was on my way to dinner and could I drop and run. He said , “No. It will only be a five minute wait.” I was beginning to think Xfinity-man could be a villain.

As I moved into the store, I saw four people sitting in the store who were clearly ahead of me, one couple wandering the store who was also probably ahead of me, and one customer service rep actually helping people. Travis was waiting in the car so we could go meet Dad and Liz for dinner, so I called him to give him an assessment of the situation. I even momentarily debated just walking out of the store, but I just sat down instead and accepted my fate.

After a few minutes, a new Xfinity man appeared at a different counter (there are a LOT of counters) and called, “Don.” Everyone in the store looked around. He called,”Don” again. I leaned over to the lady next to me and quietly said,” I could be Don.” She looked at me squarely in the eye and responded, “Unless I’m Don.” We both laughed, but secretly I was waiting for her to flinch and then I would tackle her and charge the counter in my efforts to be the new and improved Don.

As we were awkwardly laughing, a man materialized across the room and walked casually to the counter. Well, DON, where were you hiding? Don’s rude. Don’t be Don. Just as I was silently berating Don, three new Xfinity-people materialized. It was like an Xfinity-apocalypse. I briefly worried about them taking over the world, then I realized I was sitting in their store on their instruction for no apparent reason, because they could easily identify that equipment as mine. They already had world domination.

I continued to sit a couple minutes as the new Xfinicons presumably logged into their computers. I was thinking that they probably use Xfinity, so this could take a while. But no! They must reserve the better Xfinity experience for themselves while we minions are forced to use the leftovers, because in no time, I heard my own glorious name called. I floated over and after an extremely brief exchange with one of the newly materialized Xfinicons, I was free to go. No charge (they say) for those pesky missing cords.

I walked out of there happy I didn’t have to wait long, as that first Xfinicon was still helping the very first customer. I even nodded at the original Xfinity-man. Good luck at maintaining world dominance young Xfinicon. Many lurk in dark corners to steal your market. Just ask the previously powerful Ma Bell.