Maybe I’m not alone, but maybe I am. Does anyone else buy certain things in bulk, I mean excessive bulk, for no particular reason? My problem started with toothbrushes. I am not sure why I started, but at some point, I would buy a multi-pack of toothbrushes every time I went to a big box store. You know, so we wouldn’t run out of toothbrushes and have to resort to using our fingers. And guests would always have a toothbrush if they forgot theirs. Well, it got to the point that I could give each guest 15 toothbrushes and still not run out. And over the years, I think I handed out maybe five toothbrushes to guests. As far as my family goes, we never seem to actually change our toothbrushes, so the supply was nearly endless. Fortunately, my good friend Bee saw my neurosis and called a stop to it. I was NOT allowed to buy any more toothbrushes. I don’t recall how many years ago the toothbrush ban was put in place, but just a couple months ago, I ran out of toothbrushes. See, I didn’t have an endless supply. I had a ten year supply…or more. The problems began again when I ran out. And I don’t live near enough to Bee anymore, so she hasn’t been here to stop me. I am not sure how many toothbrushes I currently have, but I am ready for the toothbrush manufacturing apocalypse. This is when all toothbrush factories around the world simultaneously shut down operations and we are forced to live with only the toothbrushes we have for the remainder of our existence. Won’t I look smart then?

I am also embarrassed to admit that my stock-pile neurosis has spread. Suddenly, I can hardly pass a pair of scissors without buying them. Yesterday, I bought a four pack of scissors. Seriously, why would I need a four pack of scissors? I think my Mom had one pair of scissors all the years I was growing up. And there were fourteen people in the house. Okay, maybe she had two. I never saw her buy a four pack. And truthfully, I already have ten to fifteen in the house. That’s probably a conservative estimate. But, I can never find one when I need one. So, I clearly was justified in buying a four pack. You know that you’ll be looking for me when the stores run out of scissors. Call me Joanne-scissor-hands.

This is leading up to the biggest culprit of them all…the reading glasses. I am not even sure how many I have. I am certain that I saw no less than five in my bathroom just earlier today. They are everywhere, except where I am at any given moment. So I bought another five pack at Sam’s Club. Well, my magnification keeps going up, so I need to make sure I have enough of the new magnification. That doesn’t mean that I know what the magnification on any given pair of glasses may be. It just means that I rather broadly am struggling to read with most of the glasses I have laying around the house. They float around the house like animal fur moves across a hard wood floor. Sometimes they collect in the kitchen, sometimes the living room, other times the bathroom or the bedroom. But they are out there, watching, always watching.

This phenomenon should be called Sam’s Club Syndrome (SCS). Do you remember when our parents used to buy toilet paper in packages of four? Can you imagine? Four? If we even get down to four in one bathroom, we must run immediately to Sam’s Club (or Costco) and buy a 48 pack of jumbo rolls that don’t even fit on our toilet paper dispensers until they are half used. But really, we don’t ever get down to four, even in one bathroom. Our societal mentality has changed. I just buy in more than most.

Just today, I was buying school supplies. I couldn’t buy enough mechanical pencils. Shouldn’t we only need one mechanical pencil with lead and eraser refills? Then why do they sell them in eight packs? Or 20 packs? Nobody I know has 20 people in their house. I certainly don’t. But I have MORE than 20 mechanical pencils. I definitely have a problem. And I doubt I am alone. I may need to visit with a counselor for an official SCS (Sam’s Club Syndrome) diagnosis. I wonder if there is medication for this. Perhaps Bee needs to travel around and enforce her particular brand of behavior therapy. It worked for a while Bee. It worked for a while. Well, I’ve got to sign off now because I must run to Sam’s Club because I am down to nine jumbo rolls of paper towels. That just won’t do. Maybe I’ll see you there!