I thought I’d try to lose weight this summer. You know, try some low carb thing: Keto, Atkins, Paleo, Mediterranean, South Beach, Scandinavian, Ducan, Bulletproof, Zone, Whole30, Slow-carb. Well, except, I will just do it my way and cut out obvious carbs, because that’s guaranteed to work. All I know is that things were going well for a few days, but then, one morning, I came-to in a corner of the kitchen covered with powdered sugar and chocolate frosting, the lingering taste of fresh donuts in my mouth. It was not a pretty sight. I was a carb junkie with no rehab in sight. Now I’m on to the whole “love the body I’m in” movement. Turns out it’s carb friendly. I’ll take a side of pasta with that donut, thank you!

Also, in addition to the unnecessary weight that getting older seems to bring, there’s the sneezing thing. I can no longer sneeze freely. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a sneezer. I rarely sneeze less than four at a time. Tayden’s favorite saying is, “After two, Mom, you’re just showing off.” I love that kid. But the other night I sneezed in bed and had to change my pants. Thanks for that lovely surprise after four pregnancies. Why is nobody speaking of these things? And trampolines require depends. Actually, I just gave them up. Trampolines that is. Not depends, because the future beckons. Who really wants to see middle aged people on a trampoline anyway? That’s a lot of mass to switch directions in a rapid fashion. You all remember a portion of Newton’s First Law: A body in motion stays in motion. If that body is over 40, the skin isn’t tight enough to switch directions all at the same time. There’s a lot of sag time in that bounce. I’ll pass thanks. Where are the tacos?

Finally, I’m not always so good with all the change going on. I mean, I like my phone and all, but I can’t use 90% of the functions. But I love the other 10%. But let’s get down to simpler things. Do you remember when a toothbrush was just a toothbrush? Seriously, now it’s electric. And if you should choose to go the way of the Neanderthal, you can still get a regular toothbrush, although most people only use these while travelling. I choose to use them all the time. The electric ones bother me. But even the regular toothbrushes got all fancy. There are bristles in 15 directions so you have no chance of missing any section of your mouth. That is, if you can fit the huge brush in your mouth and have any room left to move it around. And don’t even get me started on toothpaste!! Does anyone else remember the days when toothbrushes and toothpaste took up about one foot of an aisle in Osco? Now they have their own department in Walmart. I can’t even figure out which toothpaste is my regular brand. Did I like whitening or extra whitening…or was it total care or dragon breath fighter? Hmmmm? And then, after an hour in the tooth department, I move on to get a razor. Seriously, Travis is now using a razor with five blades? Does that really help? I still use disposable two blade things. And no thanks on the softening gooey strip that leaves my legs feeling like I spit my toothpaste on them. Honestly, I’d go back to single blades if I wasn’t so klutzy. There must be some scientific reason why I look like I’ve just got done playing tag with Edward Scissor Hands when I use a single blade razor. Maybe that’s why we have five blades now. It’s safer. You know, like seat belts, and air bags. Now we have the cinco blade. It’s the cuatro, but only better. And why are our razors Spanish? And why do we spell cuatro quatro? Now were using Spanish, but without spell check.

And finally, just last night, Travis turns to me as we go to sleep and says, “You know, my eyes aren’t what they used to be.” Yes, that was part of a larger conversation that I’m not getting into. Take my word for it, you don’t want to try to wipe any difficult mental images from your mind on a relaxing July 4^th, so trust me, you don’t want to know. That from the girl that doesn’t mind sharing that I wet my pants. Anyway, I have decided that in all the difficulty of aging, God provided that bright spot. The aging vision is a small gift to the long married couples. Maybe, just maybe, after nearly 26 years of marriage, Travis can still see me like I used to be. Maybe this aging thing isn’t quite so bad. Happy 4^th of July my friends. Remember, a number of people in the US will permanently change the look of an appendage today. Let’s try not to have it be you. Or me.