I think we’ve all been there at one point or another. My latest point was yesterday. Yesterday, I was treated to the Walmart bidet. This is not to be confused with any bidet that one may enjoy using, or any bidet that may make one feel cleaner, not that I have ever used a bidet with those descriptions. The Walmart bidet is compliments of the self-flushing toilet. Yes, that toilet. The one that flushes every time you move a centimeter while seated on the commode. You know it’s coming when you hear the flush start. You anticipate that cool sprinkle of toilet water splashing on your privates, so you move up a little in a futile attempt to avoid it. Of course, the motion as you go to sit back down causes the flush to start over. Yesterday, I was stuck in an endless cycle of flushes (okay, five to be exact) while I attempted to pee while on the loo at Walmart. Well, the last two happened as I attempted to clean up after peeing. And clean myself up from the bidet affect, as this particular toilet seemed to have an exceptional talent for splashing toilet water (with my pee in it…and who knows what else) on my privates. I felt stuck in an endless cycle of lifting up and sitting down, and then trying to dry off, before finally just standing up all the way to complete the toilet water mop down. I don’t get queasy easily, but this did it for me. I mean, I will only use the Walmart toilet in an emergency situation to begin with (I REALLY had to pee), because just stepping in there makes me feel like I need a shower. Now, I actually took a partial shower in the Walmart toilet…and I definitely needed to take a real shower at home.

So thank you to the idiot that invented the self-flushing toilet. And the others that made it necessary because they couldn’t manage to manually flush the toilet after completing their business. Self-flushing toilets represent the epitome of laziness. And right after that delightful flushing experience, I got to wash my hands in the automatic sink. The first one (of only two in the bathroom) didn’t work. The second one released such a tiny trickle of arctic water, it made it difficult to feel like I actually was washing. And the water was ICE cold. Then, the only dryer (also automatic) didn’t work, so I got to use the toilet-paper-like hand towels that tear and leave bits of paper stuck to your wet hands. Almost like I washed my hands in the toilet…which didn’t feel that far from the truth.