I have decided that I would like to come back as one of my dogs in my next life. While I realize that there are dogs that are neglected and abused, I have noticed that my dogs are not in that category. They are generally adored, well fed, warm, and reasonably (but not overly) pampered. Here is a list of benefits I have compiled to being my dog:

• The people of the house pick up the dogs’ crap. I can’t even get the people of the house to pick up their own crap, so the dogs definitely have one up on me here. I would like it if someone picked up my crap.

• They get to crap outside wherever they want. It is definitely frowned upon if I crap outside. In fact, I’m pretty sure I would be arrested for doing so. And it would be embarrassing to see it on YouTube later.

• There are very few job expectations for our dogs. They rarely worry about the mortgage being paid or the laundry getting caught up (as if that ever happens). In fact, the biggest stressors in their lives are the deer, squirrels, and feral cats that frequent our yard. The dogs definitely want those critters to know that they are encroaching on the Dog Yard. The crapping outside usually accomplishes that (see above).

• They are loved by all in the house. Well, the cats may not love the dogs, but the cats don’t love anyone but themselves, so the cats don’t count. The dogs don’t have to worry about the never-ending teenagers around here disliking them or fighting with them. In fact, if any of my teenagers are fighting with me, they usually turn to the dogs for comfort. All they get is love, love, love.

• The few times the dogs have gotten in trouble, they each have the other to blame. We never really know how things go wrong. Who knocked the chicken off the counter? Roscoe, the cats, or Blackie? Who got into the trash because it wasn’t closed all the way? Roscoe or Blackie? In fact, Blackie can usually get Roscoe blamed for most things because he is bigger, so maybe I will come back as Blackie.

• When they get in trouble, I can tell they think it was worth it. They hold their heads in shame, but they are smiling underneath. It was fun to chew up the socks, or hide chicken pieces in the couch. And since we can’t be sure who did it, they know they will get away with it (see above).

• Every once in a while, if there is no excitement, the dogs can pretend that they don’t know who the cats are, and chase them around, acting like a critter has gotten into their territory. It looks like tremendous fun… just not for the cats.

• Nobody minds if they lay their lazy carcasses around the house all day. In fact, this type of dog behavior is encouraged. It’s certainly better than strewing trash all over or getting into the chicken. For me, this type of lounging behavior will be frowned upon if it goes on for more than a day or two.

• They are fed, but not overfed, and they frequently get treats. It would be nice if someone else measured my food and made sure I only got what I needed. Clearly, I would benefit from this type of supervision.

And so, I have determined to come back as my dogs. I’ll let you know how it works out in my next life. Until then, you are stuck with my human form. We must all suffer.